


timeskip shenanigans

by kenssihwa



Series: haikyuu!! chat au [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sex Jokes, actually alot of people are related, alot of them dated each other, angst if u blink, chatfic, iwaizumi pining over sugawara, kuroo and daishou are ex childhood friends, kuroo and suga are exes, mature for horny jokes and language, suga is a troll, theyre all alumni's basically, timeskip au, ushijima and kageyama are siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28360212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenssihwa/pseuds/kenssihwa
Summary: koushicrazy: apparently people think im the soft hearted mom of the grouphajiwame: are you not?rollingnoya: HAH he tried to run me over in the walmart parking lotrollingnoya: ah fun timeshajiwame: oh god
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu, Aone Takanobu/Azumane Asahi, Bokuto Koutarou/Miya Atsumu, Daishou Suguru/Kuroo Tetsurou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Sugawara Koushi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Sugawara Koushi, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Series: haikyuu!! chat au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2116860
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	1. ensued chaos

**[ ryuunaka added rollingnoya, hina_shou, tobikags, tsukkisaur, tadagucci and hit_oka to the chat! ]**

ryuunaka: welcome to the game

tsukkisaur: oh god not another chat

hina_shou: oh please you barely even chat in the other groups >:((

tadagucci: how about the other guys?

rollingnoya: oh yea one sec hoho

**[ rollingnoya added koushicrazy_, muradaichi, asa_zumane, shitaenno, naaaarita_k, hisashimi, shimiyoko to the chat! ]**

rollingnoya: aight das better

muradaichi: why did you guys decide to make a new chat? we have like 12 others

ryuunaka: all of em died  
ryuunaka: plus its boring af and i miss u guys 😗

tsukkisaur: bitch please you just miss kiyoko-san

shimiyoko: he always does 😔

ryuunaka: omg shes here

rollingnoya: :D

koushicrazy: smh theyre too whipped for her  
koushicrazy: why am i not surprised  
koushicrazy: and arent u two married 

hina_shou: hey this chat's too boring >:((

shitaenno: should we add more people? but who?

hina_shou: i know a few people ;))

tobikags: you know that the last one we made turned into seijoh's groupchat right

hina_shou: well thats okay  
hina_shou: we can always make another

koushicrazy: just add shiratorizawa to the chat seijoh will be like cats in the rain

asa_zumane: what does that even mean

koushicrazy: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

hisashimi: well that aint such a bad idea plus we can contact each other easily  
hisashimi: i remember when i had to ask kuroo-san for fukanaga's number so we could hang out  
hisashimi: mans really took an hour because he told me stories of himself in highschool 🤠

muradaichi: yeah hes like that 🤦🏻♂️  
muradaichi: he also likes to act like an old man

**[ hina_shou added kodzuken, tetsu_roo, torayama, _moriskue, haibalev_96, inusoka, teshiro_t, shibayuki, kainoboyuki, fukunagasho to the chat! ]**

tetsu_roo: who u callin old  
tetsu_roo: i know damn well i can give you an ass whopping at my age

_morisuke: youre fucking 24 shut up

tetsu_roo: :(((

haibalev_96: oh heck yea a new group chat!

tsukkisaur: oh heck no more people

hisashimi: shoheiiiiiiiii!!!

fukunagasho: haloooo

hina_shou: omg INUOKA HIIII

inusoka: HALOOO HINATAAAA

tobikags: why yall screaming in chat

inusoka: KENMA IS ALSO HERE :DDD

kodzuken: hello 

hina_shou: yay so many people  
hina_shou: ngl it was getting a lil boring here and tsukki is just another layer of boring here

tsukkisaur: dont call me that

tetsu_roo: cute name tsukki ;))

tsukkisaur: fuck off

tetsu_roo: damn tame ya child sawamura 

muradaichi: nah hes fine

tsukkisaur: thanks  
tsukkisaur: and go fuck urself kuroo

tetsu_roo: eeee he fiesty 😕

tadagucci: well who wouldn't be when you shoved ketchup in his headphones 

tetsu_roo: but i got him a new pair 🙁

koushicrazy: his ears were swollen because he's allergic to tomatoes you dipshit  
koushicrazy: he looked like dumbo for almost two weeks 😃

tetsu_roo: im sorry :((

koushicrazy: can't believe i dated you  
koushicrazy: and i still can't believe kei is allergic to ketchup

asa_zumane: oh god hes at it again

_morisuke: oh yea suga im omw wit food :))

tetsu_roo: and i still can't believe we broke up

rollingnoya: oh my

tsukkisaur: yikes  
tsukkisaur: its been like 7 months since yall broke up

tadagucci: shut up you cried when we broke up tf is wrong wit u

tsukkisaur: dont expose me like that yams

hina_shou: oh god yea tsukki isnt the who cool guy thing  
hina_shou: mans cried when we watched the good dino

tsukkisaur: shut up 

rollingnoya. ooohhOiH tell more

hina_shou: he likes cuddles in bed and he likes to kiss me whenever he can

haibalev_96: wait,,,  
haibalev_96: YALL ARE DATING?!

hina_shou: yea why did u guys not know

kodzuken: theyve been dating for like a year now

haibalev_96: I WAS NOT AWARE

kainobuyuki: you're barely aware of anything lev.

inusoka: wait so youve been with the french fry this whole time? i thought u was with kageyama

hina_shou: nah tobio is more into volleyball than dating

tobikags: i just dont understand why date someone when you can just play volleyball all ur life 🤕

hina_shou: see look at this dumbass

tobikags: who u callin dumbass  
tobikags: u dumbass

shitaenno: smh hes just like his older brother 

fukunagasho: woAh there  
fukunagasho: older brother? i thought kageyama only had a sister

hisashimi: oh god no theres three of them except miwa-san is the only normal one

torayama: aight so whos the third sibling?

koushicrazy: okay im back :D  
koushicrazy: what'd i miss

kainobuyuki: apparently kageyama has a third sibling

_morisuke: wait he does?

haibalev_96: bruh i thought he was an only child 😕

koushicrazy: oh i know who  
koushicrazy: but first lemme add some people  
koushicrazy: keep this chat a lil more lively

**[ koushicrazy added hajiwame, spacekawa, mattsuissei, hana_maki, shigehaba, waternari, kin_yuu, kunikira_, kk_taro to the chat! ]**

kk_taro: oh fuck not another group chat

tsukkisaur: thats what i said

mattsuissei: WHATSUP FUCKERS

hana_maki: why do u have my phone

kin_yuu: FUCK YOU THATS WHY

hajiwame: good god  
hajiwame: koushi there better be a good reason for me to he added here

haibalev_96: wOAH WOAH WAIT THE QUESTION HASNT BEEN ANSWERS YET

spacekawa: WHAT QUESTION CATBOY

kodzuken: whos kageyama's sibling

kin_yuu: oh shit i forgot hes got three siblings but i've never seen the third  
kin_yuu: ive met miwa-san though  
kin_yuu: she so pretty and like what the fuck happened to kageyama

tobikags: god ur so rude

hina_shou: ive never met the third sibling but ive seen just a glimpse and man he's tall

spacekawa: oh so hes TALL

hajiwame: do u have a picture of him kageyama?

tobikags: nah  
tobikags: nii-san doesn't like taking pictures plus we dont smile very well

hana_maki: for some old reason i feel like it's someone from shiratorizawa

spacekawa: oh christ if he is then it gives me more reason to dislike tobio

hajiwame: tooru youre 24 grow some balls and stop crying about 8 year old spilt milk

ryuunaka: oh dear that was ROUGH

spacekawa: mean iwa-chan! o(o･`з･´o)ﾉ!!!

kk_taro: he even types like a bottom

**[ koushicrazy added ushiwaka_, miraclesatori, semisemi, s_kenjirou, ohireon, kawataichi and tomugoshi to the chat! ]**

koushicrazy: oh shit i forgot hayato

**[ koushicrazy added yamahayato to thr chat! ]**

yanahayato: heart 💗✨been broke💔to many😫times😔

spacekawa: fuck theyre here

hana_maki: how r u still friends with them suga  
hana_maki: its been like forever since highschool 

koushicrazy: well i tutored semi's nephew and im currently babysitting for reon's neice ://

muradaichi: you'd be surprised at the amount of people koushi is friends with

_morisuke: hes even friends with people from nohebi

koushicrazy: well duh me and daishou get along well 😗

tetsu_roo: WAIT WHAT?

haibalev_96: UH HELLO??  
haibalev_96: WHOS KAGEYAMA'S BROTHER DOES ANYONE KNOW

tobikags: hello nii-san

ushi_waka: hello tobio

spacekawa: oh fuck me


	2. the ancient ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> koushi reads doujins, tooru and ushi get ice cream, a new member joins the ancient ones.

**THE ANCIENT ONES**

**11:46 AM • status: online**

**[ spacekawa, koushicrazy, tetsu_roo, _morisuke, semisemi, miraclesatori, hajiwame, muradaichi, asa_zumane are now online! ]**

spacekawa: yahooo

_morisuke: hii :)))

hajiwame: has anyone had their lunch yet?

koushicrazy: i just woke up://  
koushicrazy: [a picure of sugawara showing his eyes while still in bed with a full head of messy hair]

muradaichi: at this time of day? what did u do last night 🤨

koushicrazy: uh read doujins duh

spacekawa: OH wait did u already read the one with the big meaty alpha dude and the fox boy thing?

koushicrazy: no not yet but i think i'll read it later tonight:D

hajiwame: hold on what

**[ ushi_waka, kainobuyuki, s_kenjirou are now online! ]**

s_kenjirou: whats going on

semisemi: yall should read the one with the flower nymph and then when he orgasms alot of flowers start to bloom

muradaichi: holy shit  
muradaichi: that sounds so cool

s_kenjirou: you would have to orgasm really hard just to be able to bloom flowers

ushi_waka: Since they are a Flower Nymph, It's already possible to bloom flowers when they're overwhelmed by emotions or feelings.

asa_zumane: shit he aint wrong

kainobuyuki: how do you know this my friend

ushi_waka: My older Sister likes to share stories of the books she's read about Greek Mythology. 

asa_zumane: oh  
asa_zumane: maybe i should make my next line of clothing into a more floral theme

kainobuyuki: thats not a bad idea actually 

muradaichi: go for it!   
muradaichi: ill buy whatever u make plus yui likes all the clothes you designed recently

asa_zumane: i'll give it a try and oh also tell her i said thanks daichi 

koushicrazy: ANYWAYS   
koushicrazy: im hungry  
koushicrazy: anyone wanna head out with me for lunch

ushi_waka: I'll go with you, Koushi. I'm already out of my house anyway.

koushicrazy: great! how abt u tooru

spacekawa: as long as u pay 

koushicrazy: deal

spacekawa: alright ill be ready in 15

**[ ushi_waka, koushicrazy and spacekawa are now offline ]**

semisemi: anyway so   
semisemi: barbecue sauce on my titties

s_kenjirou: you barely have any titties tf

miraclesatori: actually he does 

semisemi: yeah its satori who's flat back to back

hajiwame: i  
hajiwame: i did not need to know that

semisemi: well you found out either way congrats 

kainobuyuki: how do i wash out blood from white clothes?

_morisuke: club soda why?

kainobuyuki: im with tsukishima right now and he banged his head on the wall after he looked at his phone and now hes got a nosebleed

s_kenjirou: it's probably hinata's nudes

semisemi: and it's probably like him in a bikini or something 

muradaichi: oh christ that id not a right image 

hajiwame: i cannot unsee hinata in a bikini now WHY DOES IT LOOK HORRENDOUS 

kainobuyuki: forget i asked

——

**1:27 PM • status: online**

tetsu_roo: hi :)

ushi_waka: Hello Kuroo-San.

tetsu_roo: oh hi ushijima hows ur lil hangout with suga and oikawa

ushi_waka: It's going well, We had a great lunch and now we're on the way home.

tetsu_roo: oh sweet   
tetsu_roo: did yall do anything else

ushi_waka: Not much besides talk and walk around me bit. Oh and Iwaizumi is here also. 

muradaichi: well no wonder he ditched me on our last round of call of duty >:((

hajiwame: bruh we kept losing either way 

muradaichi: well we should've played this round so we could WIN

asa_zumane: his logic isnt wrong man

hajiwame: ill make up for it next time  
hajiwame: im with koushi rn   
hajiwame: traffic is letting up brb

**[ hajiwame is now offline ]**

_morisuke: mans really said responsible driver  
_morisuke: unlike the nut sack of a boyfriend i have 

spacekawa: told u to ditch lev when u had the chance but noooo you didn't listen   
spacekawa: so subborn smh

asa_zumane: should've listened yaku

_morisuke: hey dont blame me >:((  
_morisuke: would you really ignore a 6'3 man whos beefy as fuck and probably packing

tetsu_roo: yeah but lev is like fucking slender man

semisemi: MANS GOT BARELY ANY MEAT ON THEM BONES

_morisuke: WE DO NOT BODY SHAME IN THIS HOUSEHOLD   
_morisuke: unless its lev then i only get to harass him

muradaichi: im surprised hes still with u

tetsu_roo: yeah with ur temper i could never date u

s_kenjirou: but you dated koushi

tetsu_roo: well yea but koushi is just feral not short tempered 

koushicrazy: i mean its in my name already  
koushicrazy: plus lev isnt that bad  
koushicrazy: the kid just needs a tad bit of tlc :))

kainobuyuki: i feel like there's something else to that

koushicrazy: and a lil ass whopping from his momma to shape him into a better man

semisemi: damn didnt know u was into that koushi

miraclesatori: KOUSHI GOT A WHOOPING KINK

koushicrazy: i do not >:((  
koushicrazy: now give me sec we just got home

miraclesatori: ohohoho 'we'

ushi_waka: I presume he's with Iwaizumi right now. I'm currently with Tooru at the park while eating ice cream.

muradaichi: aw thats cute 😌

spacekawa: it's only because i craved a lil bit of ice cream and felt guilty if i didn't get him one

koushicrazy: sounds like tsundere issues to me

s_kenjirou: as a med student, all i can smell from tooru's statement is BULLSHIT

spacekawa: ugh tall are so mean! >:((

**[ spacekawa and ushi_waka are offline ]**

**[ koushicrazy had added suguru_shou to the chat! ]**

semisemi: oh yay new people

koushicrazy: here is the newest member to the groupchat of old gay people (except for daichi and possibly kai)

tetsu_roo: koushi why  
tetsu_roo: why would you do this

suguru_shou: missed me daddy?

tetsu_roo: aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes im going to have kuroshou emit strong sexual tension for each other


	3. onigiri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> taichi, reon, daishou and ushijima make big bank, iwaizumi cannot dress well for the life of him and onigiri miya has a sale for 30% off all lunch sets.

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

9:26 AM • status: online

[ everyone is online! ]

hina_shou: helloooOooOo

kodzuken: hi shoyo

hina_shou: hi kenmaaaa  
hina_shou: did u get the massager i sent u

kodzuken: yea i did but it made my back hurt even more

tetsu_roo: see its all because of those damn games  
tetsu_roo: how about you be more responsible and do ur homework 

suguru_shou: shut up tetsurou he's 22 not 12 fuck if wrong with you

tetsu_roo: dont talk to me

s_kenjirou: smells like a fresh batch of BULLSHIT

spacekawa: seriously what do they teach you in med school 

koushicrazy: how to aid a dying person, how to wash off blood, cut off body parts, burn them, cut open corpses  
koushicrazy: yk stuff like that

ryuunaka: oh g o d

rollingnoya: suga why

koushicrazy: he asked ://

spacekawa: BUT WHY WOULD YOU ANSWER LIKE THAT  
spacekawa: WHY WOULD YOU NIT JUST ANSWER "doctor stuff" instead of the crypted shit

s_kenjirou: idk what yall talking about  
s_kenjirou: thats literally med school in a nutshell

hajiwame: and isnt it expensive 

s_kenjirou: yeah its burning a hole through my father's wallet and i aint even mad at it

suguru_shou: oh so ur rich rich like that

s_kenjirou: heavens no thats just my parents  
s_kenjirou: im broke as fuck rn which is why im living with my actually rich boyfriend

kawataichi: ive been summoned

miraclesatori: speaking of summoned, i'll pay you back for the lasagna later taichi

kawataichi: fine with me

semisemi: yeah taichi, ushijima and reon are like the rich daddies of our group  
semisemi: we just kinda leech off of them

tsukkisaur: so they're your sugar daddies

mirackesatori: yea pretty much

spacekawa: i get where ur coming from  
spacekawa: bruh iwachan got BANK  
spacekawa: dude is LOADED with money

mattsuissei: and yet he dresses like he's a fucking frog 🐸  
mattsuissei: which is why oikawa fixes his outfits for him. they're all ready to go like a lunch box

kk_taro: gotta love the analogies from mattsun

hajiwame: hey i dont dress that bad

muradaichi: you literally wore a padded vest over a goddan button up AND THEY WERENT EVEN COLOR COORDINATED 

asa_zumane: if i saw that id probably have a stroke

rollingnoya: i saw it once when daichi sent it to me by accident  
rollingnoya: its not had but violet tiger stripes over red are disgusting 🤢 

hajiwame: :((

tobikags: actually, you could get some advice from sugawara-san  
tobikags: he dresses very well and he even helps me with a few of my outfit choices 

ryuunaka: thats true  
ryuunaka: hes like my second nee-san

koushicrazy: im not even mad at that  
koushicrazy: but yea i can be of help for ya hajime

hajiwame: oh wow thank you  
hajiwame: lets talk in private to discuss the arrangements

koushicrazy: gotcha

**[ tetsu_roo has added bokutaro, keijikashi, and norikonoha to the chat! ]**

tetsu_roo: haha yee

bokutaro: ya YEE

muradaichi: oh G O D

bokutaro: HEY PARTY PEOPLE

tetsu_roo: HEY

suguru_shou: 🤦🏻

keijikaashi: hello 

koushicrazy: hey keiji!! :DD  
koushicrazy: im surprised u havent gone crazy yet

keijikaashi: huh even im surprised 

_morisuke: the tame ones always taking care of the feral ones

haibalev_96: R U CALLING ME FERAL

_morisuke: ignore him he's a stray

haibalev_96: :(((  
haibalev_97: DO I LOOK LIKE A CAT TO U

_morisuke: just a lil bit hehe

tetsu_roo: actually i feel like yaku is the feral one is your relationship 

_morisuke: fucking fight me then

tetsu_roo: uh id rather not

suguru_shou: please do it yaku-san i'll even pay you

tetsu_roo: what  
tetsu_roo: do you even have any money

suguru_shou: hell yea baby  
suguru_shou: im not a model for nothing

bokutaro: CAN I BORROW SUM MONEY  
bokutaro: I GOTTA PAY RENT THIS MONTH  
bokutaro: PLEASE

suguru_shou: sure just send me ur bank info 

tetsu_roo: BRO DONT DO IT

bokutaro: DONE SENT IT

keijakaashi: can someone go with me to the spa osamu is too busy at his shop to go with me

hana_maki: hey how big do u think bokuto's tiddies are

kk_taro: mans asking some real questions rn

tetsu_roo: they're pretty big ngl

kodzuken: hes like a b cup give or take  
kodzuken: maybe even c

bokutaro: should i go to victoria secret and get my tit size checked

keijikaashi: please dont 

bokutaro: WHY NOT  
bokutaro: MY SISTERS DO IT ALL THE TIME >:((

keijikaashi: actually nvm do what u want bokuto-san

bokutaro: :D

koushicrazy: ngl id kill to date a man with a body like bokuto  
koushicrazy: he's tall and beefy

miraclesatori: ohoho so thats why you dated kuroo

tetsu_roo: well also because he makes a bomb ass breakfast burrito  
tetsu_roo: oh yea speaking of ass, suga can i add more jalapeños to my burrito

koushicrazy: gotcha

keijikaashi: shit i forgot you guys dated months ago

tadagucci: why'd yall break up anyw  
tadagucci: AND ALSO ONIGIRI MIYA HAS A SALE RN??? tsukki pack ur shit were going to tokyo

asa_zumane: oh is it that one sale for those lunch boxes 

keijikaashi: i wanna go :D  
keijikaashi: i gotta give osamu his lunch anyway

ohireon: please tell me you gave him lil octo dogs

keijikaashi: yes i did

ohireon: omg bless u

tsukkisaur: why would i go from sendai to tokyo just for onigiri

tadagucci: FINE THEn  
tadagucci: HINATA UR COMING WITH ME  
tadagucci: ANYONE ELSE WANNA GO

hina_shou: AW HECK YEA I MISSED ATSUMU  
hina_shou: but why is he making onigiri shouldn't he be playing volleyball 

tobikags: thats the wrong twin u dumbass

muradaichi: i  
muradaichi: i cant even with u hinata

**[ bokutaro has added miya_tsumu, sunatarorin, shinskita and oj_aran to the chat! ]**

ryuunaka: wheres the other twin

bokutaro: shit hold on

sunatarorin: is keiji here

keijikaashi: :D sunaaa

**[ bokutaro has added dazai_samu to the chat! ]**

bokutaro: there he is! :D

oj_aran: uhm no its not–

dazai_osamu: huh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally this book has serious adhd


	4. sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa wears thongs, atsumu has sleep issues and everyone is sleeping with each other.

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

2:05 AM • status: online

rollingnoya: fam i think weve done it

kk_taro: tf u saying

koushicrazy: it's literally 2 in the morning go to fucking sleep

haijiwame: pls listen to suga he big man  
hajiwame: mad* oh my god

hisashimi: wait i wanna know what noya is gonna say

spacekawa: kajskskak did you see my thong in the bathroom 

tetsu_roo: homie what

spacekawa: KAJSKS FUCK NO I DIDNT MEAN TO SEND THAT HERE

keijikaashi: huh so tooru wears thongs i guess

spacekawa: that was supposed to be for hanamaki 😭😭

miya_tsumu: great job exposing yourself my man

hina_shou: hey i thought you were asleep?

miya_tsumu: couldnt   
miya_tsumu: bokuto snores so loud ugh  
miya_tsumu: hes a gread cuddler but boy his snores are something

keijikaashi: you'll get used to it

oj_reon: seems like both of yall sleep together  
oj_reon: hold on when

miya_tsumu: since like a year ago  
miya_tsumu: sleep issues yk

miraclesatori: tell me about it  
miraclesatori: sometimes i cant sleep with semi singing evanescence songs at like 4 in the morning

suguru_shou: sounds rough

miraclesatori: he's doing it again  
miraclesatori: well im gonna put both if us to bed so  
miraclesatori: night night folks :D

**[ miracle satori is now offline! ]**

suguru_shou: hey that dazai guy is out my window again

koushicrazy: goddamit again?  
koushicrazy: thats like the third time this week

tetsu_roo: idk but i got a shotgun and im ready to pop that ass anytime

ryuunaka: that could go so many ways god

suguru_shou: are you cheating on me?

spacekawa: aw thats cute

tetsu_roo: IM NOT UR BOYFRIEND >:(

muradaichi: wait isnt he taken

hajiwame: yeah i swear hes got a boyfriend  
hajiwame: the small redhead one

suguru_shou: well yea he does  
suguru_shou: that dazai just got dragged by the ear by a short guy  
suguru_shou: he's even wearing a really nice hat

hajiwame: yeah i saw them together during one of my morning runs  
hajiwame: i even saw ushijima

spacekawa: excuse me  
spacekawa: YOU DId??

hajiwame: yeah and he even gave me a blueberry muffin

koushicrazy: aw how cute

spacekawa: im way cuter than a damn cupcake

ryuunaka: uh no thats a muffin

spacekawa: WHATEVER

ushi_waka: i think you are quite cute, tooru.

spacekawa: WHEN DID U GET HERE U CLOWN  
spacekawa: AND WHY ARE U TYPING IN LOWER CASE (;̦̦̦̦̦̦̦̦ↂ⃝⃓⃙⃚⃘дↂ⃝⃓⃙⃚⃘;̦̦̦̦̦̦̦̦)

ushi_waka: why not? it seems like everyone here is typing lowercase also, so i might as well join in. 

koushicrazy: i showed him also the wonderful world of kaomojis

ushi_waka: (•‿•)

koushicrazy: look at this cutie

spacekawa: ugh i hate u for making him cute koushi

koushicrazy: you're welcome  
koushicrazy: oh and hajime can u come to my place rn  
koushicrazy: my dog seems to like you visiting

suguru_shou: OH SO YALL VISITING NOW  
suguru_shou: imma tell tendou later

tetsu_roo: even the dog likes hajime

koushicrazy: shut up   
koushicrazy: you two can date each other 😗

tetsu_roo: fuck no   
tetsu_roo: id rather have sex with tsukishima than daishou

suguru_shou: thats not what you said when you fucked me in my dressing room last month

kk_taro: OH SO YALL FUCKING NOW

spacekawa: DAAAAAAMN  
spacekawa: KUROO IS WILDIN

tetsu_roo: I DID NOT

suguru_shou: i still have the ripped clothes from last time 😽  
suguru_shou: but there isn't much since this dumbass tore every part of my pants ugh

hisashimi: so he likes it rough 😼

shitaenno: damn is that why you were limping when you got my clinic?

suguru_shou: got that right babe

**[ tetsu_roo is now offline! ]**

suguru_shou: oooh big daddy's mad  
suguru_shou: anyway good night loves 😚

**[ suguru_shou is now offline! ]**

ushi_waka: i never knew that kuroo was so aggressive.

koushicrazy: you would be surprised my friend

spacekawa: yeah sometimes he's worse and get very physical and manhandle ya or something 

keijikaashi: how do u know this

spacekawa: i lived with sugawara when those two were together  
spacekawa: ive seen alot of things you wouldn't wanna see

koushicrazy: how dare you maam  
koushicrazy: whos the one whos

kk_taro: whos what

**[ koushicrazy is now offline! ]**

miya_tsumu: oh god is he dead

hajiwame: hi good morning koushi just passed out pls go to bed everyone

**[ hajiwame is now offline! ]**

ushi_waka: tooru, do you still want to sleep in the living room? it's very cold there.

spacekawa: shut up and yes im fine here 😌

s_kenjirou: SO EVERYONE IS SLEEP WIT EACH OTHER  
s_kenjirou: ALRIGHT THATS HOW IT IS THEN 

spacekawa: bitch please   
spacekawa: we know you've been having sex with taichi dont lie

**[ s_kenjirou is now offline! ]**

spacekawa: the audacity of this little shit

ushi_waka: 👍🏻  
ushi_waka: sorry, didn't mean to press that.

spacekawa: you're still awake?   
spacekawa: dont you have a strict sleep schedule

ushi_waka: i'm just waiting for you to sleep.

space_kawa: oh  
space_kawa: t-then ill head to bed  
space_kawa: uhm good night then

ushi_waka: good night, tooru.

**[ spacekawa and ushi_waka are now offline! ]**

kk_taro: how the hell do you stutter through texts

tobikags: beats me man


	5. nicknames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you can change ur name in chat, daishou vapes and kawanishi has a thing for catboys.

**THE ANCIENT ONES**

10:38 AM • status: online

asa_zumane: why is daishou limping

koushicrazy: 👀

spacekawa: 👀

muradaichi: 👀

hajiwame: 👀

bokutaro: 👀

shinskita: 👀

ushi_waka: 👀

oj_aran: 👀

asa_zumane: pls answer im concerned

suguru_shou: ask daddy 

tetsu_roo: no

koushicrazy: daaaaamn papi chulo  
koushicrazy: atleast spare the man some mercy christ

tetsu_roo: for legal reasons, i was never here.

keijikaashi: im right outside ur door open up  
keijikaashi: i have the advil and muscle relief med u was askin for

bokutaro: hesus  
bokutaro: what did u do my guy

tetsu_roo: thanks kaashi doors open

bokutaro: UHM??? HELLO??  
bokutaro: !DONT IGNORE ME?!?¡  
bokutaro: QuE?

tetsu_roo: my work out has been tough yk  
tetsu_roo: plus i have so much stuff to do

miraclesatori: by any chance kuroo  
miraclesatori: is daishou one of the stuff you need to do

ushi_waka: honestly, i can feel the sexual tension till here in ibaraki.

koushicrazy: woAH why are u in ibaraki

ushi_waka: i had to pick up a new flower for my garden.  
ushi_waka: they're called nemophilas.

muradaichi: oh u mean those blue lil flowers? ive seen then before  
muradaichi: and then broke into hives an hour later before im allergic to pollen

bokutaro: im so sorry that you went through that

koushicrazy: he was fine  
koushicrazy: but kei wasnt when his ears swelled up because of ketchup in his headphones 

tetsu_roo: THAT WAS ONE TIME

koushicrazy: yeah but i still remember what akiteru looked like when he saw kei in the emergency room lmao

spacekawa: fun times man

hajiwame: im so concerned

——

11:57 AM • status: online

suguru_shou: can someone tell me where kuroo is

hajiwame: whats going on

suguru_shou: he has my jacket  
suguru_shou: and that jacket has my vape and im going into withdrawal

tetsu_shou: come and get it then  
tetsu_shou: but im at work rn so give me an hour or two to get out of this meeting 

suguru_shou: fuck off give me my vape pen 

tetsu_roo: no  
tetsu_roo: get it urself  
tetsu_roo: unless you wanna humiliate urself infront of several sports executives 

suguru_shou: god i hate you 

keijikaashi: why are you even messaging us here if youre in a meeting

bokutaro: yea tf is wrong with you >:|

koushicrazy: get back to the meeting or i'll have ur older sis beat you all the way back to high school with a slipper

**[ tetsu_roo is now offline! ]**

_koushicrazy has changed their nickname to 'feral'_

soacekawa: oOo you can change names now?  
spacekawa: i wanna try

_spacekawa has changed their nickname to 'most beautiful of them all'_

hajiwame: should've changed ur name to narcissistic 

most beautiful of them all: ugh rude iwa chan

feral: i didnt even know we could change names ://  
feral: this is way better theb them dumb old usernames

ushi_waka: and for the author to write it out

keijikaashi: huh

ushi_waka: what

_keijikaashi changed their name to 'akaashi'_

suguru_shou: keiji blink twice if u need help

akaashi:➖👄➖  
akaashi: 👁👄👁  
akaashi: ➖👄➖  
akaashi: 👁👄👁

suguru_shou: well damn  
suguru_shou: id help u but my thighs hurt at the moment and it hurts to walk

feral: oh my what happened 

miraclesatori: is it because of a certain someone

suguru_shou: if ur referring to that chicken named kuroo  
suguru_shou: then no

_bokutaro has changed 'suguru_shou's' nickname to 'snek'_

snek: why even bother forcing me onto that sackashit  
snek: bokuto why 

bokutaro: WHY NOT

s_kenjirou: permission to change kuroo and bokuto and ushijima's names

feral: granted

akaashi: granted

_s_kenjirou has changed 'bokutaro's' nickname to 'owl papi chulo'_

_s_kenjirou has changed 'tetsu_roo's' nickname to 'beefy papi'_

_s_kenjirou has changed 'ushi_waka's' nickname to 'big daddy'_

semisemi: brilliant

most beautiful of them all: im glad we agree that all of them are big beefy men

semisemi: –especially ushijima 

miraclesatori: ngl even he turns me on sometimes 

big daddy: i'm concerned

most beautiful of them all: dont be daddy

big daddy: please don't call me that

_hajiwame has changed 'most beautiful of them all's' name to 'narcissist'_

narcissist: fine whatever  
narcissist: im too lazy to change it anyway 🙄

big daddy: that's not nice, iwaizumi.

hajiwame: it isnt but its tooru what do you expect

big daddy: well, i do agree with you on that one.

semisemi: BITCH YOU JUST GOT ROASTED

feral: HAHAHAHA BY USHIJIMA HIMSELF ALSO  
feral: damn ushiwaka strong

narcissist: ( ≧Д≦)

big daddy: no i take it back  
big daddy: please dont cry, tooru.

narcissist: UGH WHATEVER ʕ •̀ o •́ ʔ

**[ narcissist is now offline! ]**

big daddy: i'll go look after him

**[ big daddy is now offline!]**

hana_maki: when did they start getting close  
hana_maki: as far as im aware tooru wants to pull out ushijima's guts from his mouth from anger

owl papi chulo: my FUCKING G O D

snek: why would you say that  
snek: im so ✨uncomfy✨

hajiwame: i am very uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today

oj_aran: why is it that the only times i come online are the times where theres the most gruesome shit ever

shinskita: i don't know man.

oj_aran: 🥲

——

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

10:48 AM • status: offline

tadagucci: what if i stopped going to college to be a stripper

narcissist: i would very much support you in that

shinskita: please don't do that.

miya_tsumu: aye he's got the body for it  
miya_tsumu: i've seen those dance vids u sent me

owl papi chulo: why are you watching videos sent by him

miya_tsumu: he needs advice for dancer

tsukkisaur: YOU DANCE?  
tsukkisaur: since when huh

tadagucci: idk in our third years?

_tadagucci has changed their nickname to 'chanel'_

hina_shou: i didnt know we had a change name feature :000

tobikags: i guess it's easier for the author write us in then

feral: what

tobikags: huh

kawataichi: CATBOYS HAVE VAGINAS

chanel: HUH

kawataichi: I JUST FOUND OUT  
kawataichi: dont ask how

s_kenjirou: he's reading fanfics about cat boys

kawataichi: NO IM NOT  
kawataichi: IM READING THE NEWS

s_kenjirou: _[ a zoomed-in picture of kawanishi's phone and one the screen says 'making kittens (intense smut)' ]_

hajiwame: what other kinks do u have kawanishi

**[ kawataichi is now offline! ]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment down below what you think about todays chapter :D


	6. new gen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kunimi is starving, hinata's ipad has gone missing and apparently everyone is going out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love the first years ( i still love third years just a lil more) so this time im making a separate chapter for them!

**THE NEW GEN**

8:34 PM • status: online

hina_shou: okay so who took my ipad

chanel: not me  
chanel: probably tsukki

kin_yuu: lmao

tobikags: go away kindaichi

kin_yuu: tHE FUCK DID I DO

tsukkisaur: shut up my peasants all of you ruined my sleep

tobikags: literally die

hina_shou: yall forgot about mY IPAD

kunikira_: fuck ur ipad i want cheetos

haibalev_96: kindaichi ur mans is craving

kin_yuu: i wAS WATCHING MEMES WHAT

kunikira_: GIVE ME FOOD YOU MOTHERFUCKER WE LIVE TOGTEHR

kin_yuu: OKAY DAMN  
kin_yuu: tf is wrong wit u 

chanel: same

tobikags: hi bros 

tomugoshi: lol ikr

tsukkisaur: huh

hina_shou: but why did the butter look like ice cream

tonikags: who tf puts ice cream on waffles

hina_shou shit u ryt

kanjigawa: so this lady kept bugging me about undergarments and idk if i should feel violated or what

yachitoka: feel violated and run away

inusoka: hewwo

kanjigawa: QUESTION  
kaniigawa: WHO IS THE MOST CONFIDENTEST GAY HERE  
kanjigawa: also i ran away from the old lady lol

hina_shou: is confidentest even a word xD

kunikira: its 2021 miss me with that "xD" shit

chanel: im crying  
chanel: tsukki is gay af

tsukkisaur: hell no im straight af

hina_shou: ok then you little sackashit

tsukkisaur: no pls sho i didnt mean it

tobikags: lol 

inusoka: yoohoo big summer blowout

tobikags: it's january  
tobikags: its fucking cold outside  
tobikags: i can barely play volleyball 

inusoka: welcome to oaken's trading post with sauna :D

chanel: eVERYONE PACK UR SHET CAUSE WERE GOING OUT WITH THE OTHERS

hina_shou: oMG HELP NISHINOYA IS DANCING THE ORANGE JUSTICE IN FRONT OF THE DORMS IM SEIZING 

tobikags: im scarred now

tsukkisaur: smh ill go get him

chanel: SUGAWARA SAN SAID PACK URSHIT DAMMIT

everyone: WE GET IT DAMN

**[ everyone is now offline! ]**

haibalev_96: are you a parking ticket?  
haibalev_96 cause you've got fine written all over you

**[ kunikira_ and morisuke_ are now online! ]**

kunikira_: again

morisuke_: literally go back to sleep

morisuke and kunikira_: and starve

**[ kunikira_ and morisuke_ are now offline! ]**

haibalev_96: why is it always me smh  
haibalev_96: im going back to the motherland  
haibalev_96: bye

**[ haibalev_96 is now online! ]**

**[ hina_shou is now online! ]**

hina_shou: WAIT MY IPAD IS STILL MISSING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i write a chapter of everyone at an outing event?


	7. couples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ushioi live together, daishou angry at fanoj iwaoi shippers, and bokuto built different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> topics about sex and anything related to is is mentioned down below! if u feel uncomfy about it, skip this chapter and wait till i upload a new one!

**FUCKING HELP US**

4:37 PM • status: online

shitaenno: bruh have u all seen that one dog on tiktok that goes owa owa

yuujishima: OH  
yuujishima: u mean the one that goes  
yuujishima: ✨öWâ ōwÅ✨

shitaenno: yea that one  
shitaenno: im honestly concerned for him

miya_tsumu: nah he'll be fine  
miya_tsumu: it just needs to be reset

osamiya: why the fuck am i ur sibling again

miya_tsumu: because fuck u thats why

hisashimi: bruv why yall always finna fight

miya_tsumu: mf ugly as shit 

osamiya: we literally have the same face you dumbass

s_kenjirou: pack it up gru and dru

kodzuken: bruh 💀💀

akaashi: does that mean im lucy

rollingnoya: seems like it

akaashi: great ive been waiting to try this lipstick taser i got last week

ryuunaka: uHM  
ryuunaka: who who are u gonna try that on

akaashi: oh relax  
akaashi: im just contemplating if i should taze the fuck out of my husband or not

osamiya: damn baby i didnt know u was into that

akaashi: im not

osamiya: oh  
osamiya: oh my

miya_tsumu: get roasted shithead

yoomikusa: when did barry the be get here  
yoomikusa: i got sum jazz albums if u want

miya_tsumu: AYE OMI DONT DO ME LIKE THAT

s_kenjirou: yes pls do him like that

miya_tsumu: im telling bokkun all abt this  
miya_tsumu: ya lil shets

takaaone: :(

miya_tsumu: except u aone-san :D

takaaone: :)

futa.kenji: i literally forgot he was there

takaaone: i only observe and watch the conversation continue on

akaashi: yea im not surprised

yuujishima: HEY WE CAN CHANGE NAMES

_yuujishima has changed their nickname to 'hottie'_

shitaenno: well damn that nickname aint wrong

hisashimi: not u simping for party boy 😗

shitaenno: square up yaku rip off 🥰🤪

hisashimi: oh so we gon really do this shit

hottie: woah chikara babe chill

shitaenno: fine if u say so 🤓

futa.kenji: yes i can smell the sex radiating from both of you right now  
futa.kenji: pls go get a fucking room 

hottie: baby i'll be home in 10 minutes

**[ hottie is now offline! ]**

shitaenno: well u all heard him bye

**[ shitaenno is now offline ]**

osamiya: damn  
osamiya: really just got to the point

miya_tsumu: respect for that  
miya_tsumu: sometimes bokkun and i get distracted during sex like all of a sudden we start talking about how the moon works  
miya_tsumu: like one time i was blowing him and he literally asked me if dogs liked being called 'good boy'  
miya_tsumu: so we spent 2 hours talking about it and then fell asleep

yoomikusa: why did he even ask that

osamiya: bc he built different duh

s_kenjirou: literally this is why i became a med student to heal people like him

kodzuken: 👁👄👁

ryuunaka: arent u a doctor not a psychiatrist 

s_kenjirou: at this point idk  
s_kenjirou: ive given up actually  
s_kenjirou: i just need a shoulder to cry on

futa.kenji: aw i can lend u one

s_kenjirou: connected to a dick i could sit on

futa.kenji: nvm kawanishi thats ur man take him

kawataichi: i got him

_miya_tsumu has changed their name to 'big booty'_

hisashimi: look just cause ur dating the man with the phattest cake doesnt mean u have one

big booty: how dare u hisashi

hisashimi: how dare i atsumu

kodzuken: woah  
kodzuken: calm down jamal  
kodzuken: dont pull out the nine 😳

yoomikusa: yes please end my suffering

kodzuken: i have yet to die let me finish this last level im developing and we both going to taco bell sakusa  
kodzuken: we both getting them extra ✨spicy✨ quesadillas

yoomikusa: oh yes give me explosive diarrhea 

akaashi: why are we like this

——

**THE ANCIENT ONES**

6:37 PM • status: online

feral: hiya

hajiwame: hello

narcissist: whats going on

feral: na thing i just wanted people to talk to  
feral: im so tired smh

muradaichi: did one of the kids poop in their pants again

feral: no worse than that  
feral: i had to talk to a karen because her son was failing english

big daddy: oh my

beefy papi: did she go 'my son is a child genius why is he failing ur class'

feral: yea pretty much 

beefy papi: yea it gets worse here sometimes  
beefy papi: but its with grown ass people instead

narcissist: yikes 😳  
narcissist: thank god i continued playing vb

evanescence: bitch please you was complaining to me last week about this girl who didn't even know your name even though you've been playing in san juan for a while now

narcissist: who r u

evanescence: its semi you dumb bitch

narcissist: damn why u always gotta be so mean to me🥲

big daddy: semi, please stop calling him names.

evanescence: but why

big daddy: tooru isn't a dumb bitch. he's a smart and beautiful man.

beefy papi: OH SO WE GOING FOR FIRST NAMES NOW

big daddy: i've always called tooru by his first name.

narcissist: HUH

hajiwame: how did u not notice

narcissist: I NEVER PAID ATTENTION 

crimson riot: WHY WOULD YOU NOT NOTICE LIKE DONT U GUYS LIVE TOGETHER NOW

feral: YALL LIVING TOGETHER NOW?  
feral: THIS TOO MUCH INFO

evanescence: SINCE WHEN THE FUCK

kevin: THREE MONTHS AGO

feral: SO THATS WHY WAKATOSHI AND TOORU WENT TOGETHER FOR OUR LIL LUNCH DATE HUH

narcissist: for legal reasons, i was never here and never existed. wakatoshi, bury my body for me.

big daddy: why would i do that, tooru?

narcissist: just do it pls  
narcissist: people seem to hate me too much

big daddy: i don't hate you.

narcissist: huh

snek: oh my god  
snek: JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY  
snek: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL OIKAWA THAT YOU WANNA GET RAILED BY WAKATOSHI 

narcissist: SHHHHH  
narcissist: QUIET SHOU

owl papi chulo: woAH SO MUCH HAPPENED HERE  
owl papi chulo: I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE GYM PLS GIVE CONTEXT

muradaichi: so oikawa and ushijima apparently live together and oikawa wants to get fucked by ushijima according to suguru

owl papi chulo: oh  
owl papi chulo: DAMN GET IT OIKAWA

narcissist: OH FUCK ME

kyle: oh wakatoshi will do that for ya 😼😼

big daddy: i will not do anything that would make you uncomfy, tooru. i'll do whatever you want me to do.

feral: ah  
feral: he's def a service top

kevin: tooru is def a power bottom  
kevin: actually alot of people here are power bottoms

crimson riot: not semi  
crimson riot: mans is just a bottom

evanescence: i want a divorce 

crimson riot: BABY NO

muradaichi: suga is def a power bottom like have u seen him  
muradaichi: and hajime is for sure another service top

narcissist: oh hunny iwa-chan is a deadass top  
narcissist: and i mean he will manhandle and rail you into the bed

feral: uh  
feral: you've slept with him?

narcissist: no it just smells like he'd be one of those guys

hajiwame: eh  
hajiwame: i'll be whatever my partner wants me to be

feral: so if i told u to to roll up the sleeves of ur button up and unbutton the first four buttons would u do it😗

hajiwame: if ur into that then sure

feral: 😳😙

doc mcstuffins: oh so y'all are also sleeping with each other

hajiwame: no  
hajiwame: im sure koushi was just curious 

feral: uh yea  
feral: just curious 

**[ feral is now offline! ]**

evanescence: dumb

owl papi chulo: dumb as hell

hajiwame: huh

snek: ANYWAY BACK TO WAKATOSHI AND TOORU

narcissist: WHY

snek: BECAUSE U TWO LOOK CUTE TOGETHER  
snek: IDK WHY PEOPLE PAIR YOU AND HAJIME  
snek: like he's hot and all but are you really willing to sacrifice someone's emotions for the sake of ur own pleasure? 😃

hajiwame: what's he saying

beefy papi: give him a minute

snek: LIKE PEOPLE REALLY BE LIKE "YESSS EMOTIONAL ABUSE YESS"  
snek: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ROMANTICIZING SOMEONE WHO IS EMOTIONALLY (and verbally) ABUSING SOMEONE  
snek: THE FUCK WRONG WIT U

beefy papi: you okay now baby?

snek: yea  
snek: and never fucking call me baby

beefy papi: just going by what u call me ✋🏻😶🤚🏻

muradaichi: not yall literally exposing ur relationship

snek: why would i date him

narcissist: MY FUCKING QUESTION WITH USHIJIMA 

big daddy: do you not like me, tooru?

narcissist: NO

big daddy: i see.  
big daddy: i'll keep my distance and refrain from calling you by your first name now. my apologies.

**[ big daddy is now offline! ]**

crimson riot: yeah there is def a reason why you and hajime are best friends 

monikana: one dense as fuck and the other dumb as fuck

morisuke_: when did u get here niwa

monikana: oh i was here the whole time  
monikana: i just didnt know when to say something 

narcissist: so you decided thst ur first message here is to call me and iwa-chan dense and dumb

monikana: did i s t u t t e r? ✨

owl papi chulo: damn  
owl papi chulo: kenji really lucky to stick his dick in you

beefy papi: bo why would you word it like that  
beefy papi: why wouldn't you just say the word sex like a normal person

snek: baby chill he just built different 

doc mcstuffins: so i diagnose everyone in this chatroom with fucking dead

shinskita: im so tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't like it when people make iwaizumi (or any passive aggressive character) so abusive as a fanon character. like y'all are into some fucked up shit


	8. resort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suga and daishou speak french, the group is going to a resort, ushiwaka and tooru made out- i mean up and daishou is planning to feed kuroo.

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

2:38 PM • status: online

narcissist: why did no one tell me that sugawara speaks french

muradaichi: you didn't know?  
muradaichi: he talks to tendou in french whenever he calls him

crimson riot: his french is better than mine AND I LIVE IN FRANCE

evanescence: he's got that natural tongue

feral: why is my french being brought up here  
feral: est-ce que je sonne bien quand je parle en français?

owl papi chulo: WHAT HE SAY

crimson riot: hes asking if he sounds good when speaking french

evanescence: can i marry you suga  
evanescence: tendou can have ushijima  
evanescence: because clearly tooru doesn't want him

narcissist: uhm how about  
narcissist: NO

beefy papi: HUH  
beefy papi: DID U AND USHIJIMA MAKE UP NOW

narcissist: yes  
narcissist: we also made out｛・ω-*}

monikana: finally goddamn  
monikana: im tired of hearning ushijima wonder why you hated him

feral: YALL TALK?

monikana: yea  
monikana: we met through miwa-san  
monikana: i met her wife also

hottie: SHE'S MARRIED?

hisashimi: why r u concerned 

hottie: because i go to miwa-san's salon to get my hair dyed and we often talk  
hottie: i never knew she was married  
hottie: well no i did see a ring but i didn't know if it was a wedding ring

big daddy: she's married to saeko-san.

beefy papi: BRUH  
beefy papi: I THOUGHT TSUKKI'S BROTHER MARRIED HER

tsukkisaur: nah  
tsukkisaur: he got rejected the first time he asked her out  
tsukkisaur: it was funny

chanel: the straights win again

pitbull: wait does that mean tanaka and ushiwaka are in laws

mrclean: yea pretty much  
mrclean: and apparently oikawa is also my in-law technically 

narcissist: UHM  
narcissist: WE DIDNT TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE YET

mrclean: well its gonna happen either way so welcome to the family

feral: damn almost all my best friends are married now

asa_zumane: its ok suga :D me and the hubby are cheering for you

chanel: HUBBY?  
chanel: HUH  
chanel: WHEN DID U GET MARRIED

asa_zumane: three years ago why whats wrong

futacoochie: he's been married to aone for a while now

shitaenno: bruh  
shitaenno: apparently this rivals to lovers troupe is really a big thing huh

snek: it's interesting 

kevin: ANYONE ELSE WANNA EXPOSE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WHILE THEYRE AT IT

kyle: me and mattsun are dating

pitbull: no shit sherlock  
pitbull: we could all smell it  
pitbull: even ushiwaka could tell

gru: damn and i thought most people here was straight

lucy: bold of you to assume that my dear

gru: i know baby

dru: damn get a room 🙄✋🏻

gru: hey atsumu wants to get railed by you bokuto

snek: damn  
snek;: what a good sibling

dru: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

gru: you were begging akaashi to message bokuto to come home so yall could "cuddle"

hottie: hey dont shame him  
hottie: not his fault that he has a high sex drive

beefy papi: damn are we all kinky

tsukkisaur: nah hinata is pretty vanilla

maple leaf: whos the one who keeps fucking me in missionary 

feral: you see  
feral: theres a reason why private chat exists  
feral: va parler de ta méchanceté en privé >:((

hajiwame: does that mean he's going to kill us all

crimson riot: no he just wants everyone to sext in private 

feral: je devrais juste parler comme ça à partir de maintenant :D  
feral: satori est le seul qui peut me comprendre de toute façon

snek: qui a dit que c'était juste tendou?

feral: :000  
feral: a fellow baguette 

snek: fuck yea  
snek: google translate is amazing

beefy papi: so everyone is french now huh

doc mcstuffins: yes

beefy papi: why did u agree

doc mcstuffins: why not

——

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

4:57 PM • status: online

feral: so  
feral: does any one wanna go to a resort with me

narcissist: i heard resort  
narcissist: enlighten me

feral: ok boujee bitch

lightning: i might not be able to go with u guys  
lightning: im still in italy :D

feral: issok noya we know you can just swim with the fishes there

lucy: ok so resort right?  
lucy: where is it?

feral: it's around sendai according to my roommate  
feral: they have a nice pool there and plus its a pretty big spot  
feral: we could stay there overnight for a pretty cheap price

doc mcstuffins: oh yea ive heard of that place  
doc mcstuffins: it's run by an old couple who don't really ask for mucb excep have people visit their resort  
doc mcstuffins: thats why its so cheap

beefy papi: alright so its in sendai  
beefy papi: who's currently in japan?  
beefy papi: say cake

feral: cake

narcissist: cake

big daddy: cake

owl papi chulo: cake

lucy: cake

dru: cake

asa_zumane: cake

muradaichi: cake

mrclean: cake

morisuke_: cake

evanescence: cake

crimson riot: cake

maple leaf: cake

tsukkisaur: cake

tobikags: cake

chanel: cake

hajiwame: cake

doc mcstuffins: cake

simba: cake

kyle: cake

kevin: cake

kodzuken: cake

dru: bokuto's ass

beefy papi: of course

feral: how about you omi?  
feral: dont leave me on read we live next to each other

clorox: i'm not going  
clorox: i'm visiting my family for two weeks 

feral: damn well tell ur mama i said hi  
feral: i miss the way she makes mapo tofu :)))

hajiwame: you like that stuff?

feral: oh hell yea

muradaichi: he loves mapo tofu  
muradaichi: extra spicy✨✨

narcissist: oh yeah  
narcissist: suga has a bulletproof mouth apparently  
narcissist: man eats wassabi as if it was nutella

feral: its good though 🤕

hajiwame: i dont judge  
hajiwame: i make it for my mom and sometimes she likes some spice in hers aswell

beefy papi: can i mention that suga is ✨very spicy✨

feral: tetsurou shush

snek: koushi i sent u something pls answer

owl papi chulo: is it nudes  
owl papi chulo: if it is  
owl papi chulo: send it to kuroo

beefy papi: dont  
beefy papi: i might want to bleach my eyes

evanescence: hes not that bad yk  
evanescence: plus he got a ~booty~  
evanescence: and im talking like  
evanescence: plump and round  
evanescence: not like tendou

crimson riot: why would you say that  
crimson riot: you should've just said oikawa

evanescence: nah i saw his booty aswell

beefy papi: huh  
beefy papi: dont tell me you've seen almost everyone's ass here

evanescence: ok i wont

hajiwame: im uncomfortable 

evanescence: relax  
evanescence: i wouldn't dare harass my brother in law

morisuke_: oh god im gonna have a stroke

putin: please dont

—

**PRIVATE CHAT: suguru_shou ******

syrup: so what do you need babe

venom: look so  
venom: i told kuroo that we should hang out

syrup: so what do i do now

venom: what does this mf like

syrup: not much  
syrup: he likes mexican food  
syrup: mainly like quesadillas or just get him doritos he'll eat that

venom: sugaaaaa  
venom: im serious (｀ε´)

syrup: ok geez ( – 3 –)  
syrup: he does like mexican food  
syrup: make him quesadillas and then pair it with vanilla ice cream or cookies and cream ice cream  
syrup: tho c and c is much better

venom: gotcha

syrup: so why do u wanna know what he wants

venom: so i can impress him duh  
venom: u know that i've been crushing on him since y'all broke up

syrup: oh honey you two fit each other well

venom: i wouldn't imagine it  
venom: i feel like i would strangle him if he snores too loud

syrup: oh well ur in luck  
syrup: mans snores like he works 9-5 twice 

venom: oh god 

—

****WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS** **

10:39 PM • status: offline

maple leaf: WAIT WHAT ABOUT OUR SWIMMING PLANS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully my french was correct (google translate 🙏🏻)
> 
> let me know what ya think!


	9. sleepy talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> semi and suga are passed out drunk, unexpected relatives are revealed and it's hard being single.

**THE ANCIENT ONES**

1:38 AM • status: online

narcissist: ok so  
narcissist: wheres asahi

muradaichi: passed out why

narcissist: mf HAS SOME BIG TIDDIES

feral: how would you know

narcissist: he sent me pics duh  
narcissist: dont tell aone i said that

beefy papi: nah you'll be fine  
beefy papi: you're dating wakawaka over there AAAAND  
beefy papi: both aone and wakawaka are pretty much big tall softies

lucy: theyre both born on the same day also

feral tamer: why is everyone awake

narcissist: not everyone  
narcissist: semi's passed out in french 

feral: huh  
feral: how does one pass out in french

owl papi chulo: did he go "hon hon- i will now pass out-" 

narcissist: I MEANT IN FRANCE  
narcissist: im relying on my one hand and auto complete :///

lucy: did ur other hand fall off like a banana or what

narcissist: no wakatoshi's sleeping on it  
narcissist: and NO I CANNOT MOVE  
narcissist: or else i wake up the sexy piece of meat next to me  
narcissist: and i aint ready for a fourth round

snek: h  
snek: h u H

beefy papi: damn and i thought twice was long enough 

feral: bitch please you barely lasted twice last time

feral tamer: last time 😳  
feral tamer: fuck i forgot yall dated

doc mcstuffins: who r u again

minion: iwaizumi hajime, personal trainer (27)

feral: no think  
feral: just haji

snek: oh god he's drunk 

feral: hey i have big tiddies also  
feral: hajime wanna touch

muradaichi: is he ok

snek: just piss drunk  
snek: i'll head over to his place  
snek: wanna come hajime?

feral tamer: yes i dont want him dying

narcissist: we love a caring man 🥰

feral tamer: i hope ur arm snaps and falls off like a toe with gangrene 

beefy papi: thats fucking disgusting man  
beefy papi: shou help me im gonna die

muradaichi: hey daishou ur papi needs help

beefy papi: its not like that

snek: it is like that  
snek: hajime just watch over suga  
snek: im gonna beat this idiot's ass

narcissist: when did y'all become ✨tobio and shouyo✨

muradaichi: did yk that asahi's cup size is b cup

narcissist: wait HUH  
narcissist: BOKUTO HOW BIG ARE UR BOOBIES

owl papi chulo: id say a handful  
owl papi chulo: maybe a lil more depending on ur hand size

lucy: ive been with him since highschool so i know how big he is  
lucy: he feels like a b cup atleast  
lucy: maybe even a c cup 

beefy papi: damn should i ask atsumu to share u bro

owl papi chulo: if u want ;))

snek: dont start with me tetsurou im going to poison ur coffee

feral tamer: ooooo he's the jealous type

beefy papi: i was joking shou i didnt mean it

snek: uhuh sure keep ur doors open im otw  
snek: dont text and drive kids

beefy papi: door's always open baby

snek: fuck off

crimson riot: im super confused if yall are dating or not

muradaichi: they are  
muradaichi: they're just going through that denial phase smh

narcissist: eh  
narcissist: its more like a enemies to lovers fuck bud troupe thing

beefy papi: tooru  
beefy papi: does this look like a fanfic to you

narcissist: we are in one right now yk

beefy papi: what

narcissist: what

owl papi chulo: hey why do semi and suga look similar  
owl papi chulo: its almost like they're twins

lucy: thats because they are twins 

crimson riot: nah  
crimson riot: more like half siblings:/  
crimson riot: cant say more or else they will both hang my head on a plaque :D

minion: i do find it funny that one sibling does not like kids and the other loves kids

lucy: tell me about it  
lucy: my husband loves kids  
lucy: he's even planning to adopt  
lucy: and i honestly dont mind it at all

owl papi chulo: :O  
owl papi chulo: DOES THAT MEAN I GET TO BE AN UNCLE

beefy papi: oh my

lucy: yes bokuto san  
lucy: you get to be the uncle for our future daughter or son

feral tamer: ur adopting?  
feral tamer: should i tell mom about it  
feral tamer: u know she really loves kids

lucy: i'll tell auntie myself so dont worry abt it hajime

narcissist: hold on wh a t  
narcissist: DONT TELL ME U TWO ARE ALSO RELATED

feral tamer: ok we wont  
feral tamer: thanks for lending me the keys to suga's place daishou

snek: anytime  
snek: tetsurou open the fucking door its cold outside and im only wearing pjs

beefy papi: WHY ARE U HERE  
beefy papi: he's banging on my door for fucks sake

**[ beefy papi is now offline! ] ******

narcissist: UHM  
narcissist: HE L LO  
narcissist: ARE U TWO COUSINS

lucy: yes we are  
lucy: we're second cousin's on our mother's side 

kevin: so no wonder yall look alike 

narcissist: ANYONE ELSE RELATED HERE

shimiyoko: me and kuroo are distant cousins  
shimiyoko: we found out after last year's family reunion 

muradaichi: damn so ur telling me if u couldve met kuroo in high school back then  
muradaichi: nekoma could've had a manager then  
muradaichi: lucky us :D

snek: _[ a picture of kuroo snuggled in daishou's chest with his arms wrapped around him ]_  
snek: and this mf says we're not dating 

crimson riot: ooooo shall we expose our partners 0•0  
crimson riot: imma go second  
crimson riot: _[ a video of semi just sleeping and lightly snoring with tendou silently giggling in the background ]_

doc mcstuffins: you sound like a creep

crimson riot: only for my semi 🥰😘

narcissist: _[ a selfie of oikawa throwing up a peace sign and ushijima's head peaking up from the blanket ] _  
narcissist: my arm went numb but its worth it__

__feral tamer: _[ a zoomed in picture of sugawara's hair sticking out from under the blanket ]_  
feral tamer: _[ a selfie of half of iwaizumi's face and then a sleeping suga in the background ]_  
feral tamer: passed out drunk_ _

__lucy: _[ a selfie video of osamu snoring while lying on his stomach ]_  
lucy: get a load of this_ _

__doc mcstuffins: oh how i wished i lived with my dumbass of a boyfriend_ _

__nurse: im seriously wondering if you love me or not_ _

__doc mcstuffins: im sorry baby :((  
doc mcstuffins: come over and we can cuddles :))_ _

germ: im seriously concerned how both of you are still together 

sunatarorin: you really gotta hate being the single one in the group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this around two am while playing with my uncle's dog. it was fun and i got easily distracted and lost focus throughout the chapter :D


	10. unraveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suga rages in french, daishou's feelings are hurt, and oikawa is about to meet his inlaws.

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

4:36 PM • status: online

feral: a scientist once said fuck it and decided to give flowers some fucked up name and called it scientific  
feral: I CANT TEACH STUDENTS WHAT THE FUCK A PHALAENOPSIS IS

crimson riot: wtf does phalalajsjshe mean

feral: its the scientific name for a fucking orchid  
feral: KIDS ARE GONNA BE CALLING IT AN ORCHID ANYWAY SMH

feral tamer: well shit happens  
feral tamer: maybe they were high on crack

evanescence: you mean like tendou?

crimson riot: STOP TELLING EVERYONE I SMOKE CRACK  
crimson riot: OUR NEIGHBOR JUST STARED AT ME THIS MORNING AND THEN GAVE ME THE STINK EYE

chanel: i dont think ur supposed to smoke crack

owl papi chulo: did his eye smell like a fart or sumn

snek: thats  
snek: thanks not what stink eye means

feral: JE NE VEUX PLUS ÊTRE UN ENSEIGNANT   
_( trans: i dont wanna be a teacher anymore )_  
feral: C'EST TELLEMENT DUR  
 _( trans: it's so hard )_

chanel: omg he's so mad he started speaking french

beefy papi: you should see when he road rages  
beefy papi: mans sounds like a local french man

feral tamer: its cute honestly   
feral tamer: like he just gets more cuter when he gets angry AND speaks french

feral: hU h  
feral: QUE VOULEZ-VOUS DIRE  
 _( trans: what do you mean )_  
feral: JE NE PEUX PLUS COMPRENDRE LE JAPONAIS  
 _( trans: i can't understand japanese anymore )_

owl papi chulo: QUE¿?

crimson riot: QUE SIGNIFIEZ-VOUS QUE VOUS NE POUVEZ PAS COMPRENDRE LE JAPONAIS???  
 _( trans: what do you mean you can't understand japanese anymore?)_  
crimson riot: ÊTES-VOUS FOU?  
 _( trans: are you insane? )_

minion: im so confused

dru: right back at ya minion

minion: EXCUSE ME??   
minion: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

dru: NO BCS UR NAME IS MINION  
dru: LIKE UR NICKNAME YK

doc mcstuffins: so that was yaku

beefy papi: yeah how could you not tell by the temper

minion: i hate the fact that we used to date in highschool   
minion: i wanna strangle you

gru: DAMN  
gru: kuroos been dating everyone  
gru: whos next  
gru: daichi?

muradaichi: no i dont swing that way srry

beefy papi: ive only dated like a few people  
beefy papi: theres yaku, then suga and then a few other girls from nekoma

kodzuken: didnt you date levs sister

beefy papi: what

snek: YOU DID?

beefy papi: I DID NOT  
beefy papi: THAT WAS SOME BOGUS RUMOR IN NEKOMA BECAUSE WE TOOK A PICTURE TOGETHER 

slendy: SHES NOT EVEN INTO MEN  
slendy: AND IF SHE WAS  
slendy: SHE SURELY WOULD STRIKE HIGHER THAN KUROO

kevin: damn lev 

slendy: im just saying  
slendy: my sister isn't into guys that look like they got zapped by pikachu

feral: BUT DAISHOU IS

snek: WHAT  
snek: GO BACK TO SPEAKING FRENCH  
snek: NO ONE SAW ANYTHING 

narcissist: I SENSED TEA AND CAME AS FAST AS I COULD

evanescence: WE BEEN KNEW  
evanescence: WE ALSO KNOW U TWO ARE ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS 

beefy papi: HUH  
beefy papi: HOW

evanescence: apparently kuroo's got some bruising kink  
evanescence: me and suga almost thought daishou was being beaten up

pitbull: well he is being beaten up in bed

kyle: great thinking mr worldwide

pitbull: thanks makki

narcissist: SO KUROO AND DAISHOU  
narcissist: are yall dating

snek: no  
snek: mans is to busy to be dating ✨  
snek: or thats what he told me

beefy papi: i am busy

kodzuken: thats not what you told me when i offered to bring you to rio  
kodzuken: you little shit

snek: he's also ditched me a bunch of times because he was busy

kodzuken: im sorry  
kodzuken: i was offering him places to go to and i didn't know yall had plans  
kodzuken: forgive me

beefy papi: kenma :((

snek: u know kuroo  
snek: if u dont like me  
snek: you could've just told me  
snek: it wouldn't hurt

beefy papi: but i do like u

snek: sure

**[ snek is now offline! ]**

feral: oh no  
feral: im gonna go check up on him  
feral: kuroo get ur shit straight   
feral: this is why we broke up

evanescence: i didnt even know shou liked kuroo  
evanescence: like he didn't even talk to us about mika-chan that much  
evanescence: damn

crimson riot: you twins are literally the pillar of every good decision maker in our lives

narcissist: unlike the other twins 

dru: how dare you

narcissist: how dare i

gru: i dont blame ya  
gru: semi and suga are more sane than us  
gru: or atsumu in this case

dru: stfu u just ugly

gru: fuck off we have the same face

evanescence: thank god dad taught us not to kill each other ryt suga

feral: oh for sure

narcissist: anyway hows daishou

feral: he's fine  
feral: oh who am i kidding  
feral: kuroo get ur ass over here before i beat ur ass

beefy papi: but why  
beefy papi: ur gonna kill me either way

feral: oh honey  
feral: not me  
feral: suguru is :))

beefy papi: ok im otw im already in the car

maple leaf: dont text and drive kids

**[ beefy papi is now offline! ]**

**[ big daddy is now online! ]**

big daddy: what is going on here?

haru: kuroo hurt daishou's feelings

big daddy: oh. daishou doesn't deserve that. :(

crimson riot: bruh wakatoshi's even using a sad emoticon  
crimson riot: kuroo really fucked up damn

haru: btw r u coming home for dinner tomorrow   
haru: mom said to bring oikawa also

big daddy: i'll be there. is miwa-san also going?

haru: yea she is

nurse: i forgot yall are siblings shit  
nurse: like y'all really look alike smh

haru: mom remarried  
haru: she had miwa-san and then ushijima and then me

chanel: wait so how come wakatoshi isnt named wakatoshi kageyama

haru: idk man do i look smart to u

chanel: point proven

haru: anyway dinner is tomorrow and oikawa is going with you

narcissist: IN ALREADY MEETING MY INLAWS?  
narcissist: we haven't even been dating for 3 months

lucy: osamu met his inlaws when we were dating already 

narcissist: BUT IM NOT READY YET  
narcissist: i need a hair appointment and i also need to find a good outfit to wear

haru: you're meeting our parents   
haru: not going to a fucking parade

narcissist: wakatoshi tame ur brother >:((

big daddy: why would i tame him? he isn't a dog.

kevin: but mr worldwide is

pitbull: woof

kyle: mattsun why

kevin: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP KYLE

kyle: kevin watch the light dude

feral tamer: of course both of y'all's names are based off of vines  
feral tamer: and maddog is pitbull now ig

nurse: holy shit thats alot to unpack  
nurse: send more pics pls

narcissist: excuse me

nurse: oh fuck  
nurse: that was shirabu omg bye im gonna kms

**[ nurse is now offline! ]**

narcissist: bruh shirabu freaky

evanescence: please he's too vanilla for his own good  
evanescence: right wakatoshi 

big daddy: shirabu was interesting to date. i don't think he was vanilla though.

lucy: wait a second  
lucy: i didnt know you guys used to date

big daddy: it was more like a hook-up, as some like to call it.

narcissist: oh  
narcissist: but y'all aren't together anymore right

big daddy: we stopped doing that kind of thing after highschool. you have nothing to worry about.

narcissist: oh thank god

feral: if this happened back in highschool   
feral: tooru would be like   
feral: "why are you even dating him shirabu he's so ugly ugh"

feral tamer: i can hear the oikawa impression voice

narcissist: why are you guys like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book has just turned into a 2nd year and 3rd year groupchat lmao (rip 1st years)


	11. exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kuroo's been dating everyone, suga and iwaizumi are exposed and kita's visiting from the province!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book has just become a third year's groupchat fic lmao (i'll give the first years some justice)

**THE ANCIENT ONES**

9:27 AM • status: online

narcissist: LUTE COMIGO  
 _(translation: FIGHT ME)_

minion: PORQUE EU FARIA ISSO?  
 _(translation: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?)_

kevin: woAH there yaku  
kevin: i didnt know u could speak portuguese

minion: its just a lil something something yk  
minion: idk if its even correct

narcissist: it's pretty coherent   
narcissist: good job :D

feral: i heard people speaking foreign languages   
feral: oh yea does anyone have like a second language or sumn

evanescence: i think wakatoshi speaks fluent english  
evanescence: he even sounds like a native jfc

narcissist: REALLY?  
narcissist: WHY DID I NOT KNOW THAT

big daddy: i didn't seem to think it was relevant to our relationship, tooru.

narcissist: BUT HONEY IT IS  
narcissist: ITS IMPORTANT BECAUSE NOW I CAN SPEAK TO U IN ENGLISH ALSO

feral tamer: fuck i forgot oikawa could speak in english

feral: but he's got a lil accent hehe  
feral: its cute tho ngl  
feral: i kinda wished i learned english instead of french tho

feral tamer: it's okay  
feral tamer: it honestly sounds more normal to hear you rage in french then speak in english

feral: :')))  
feral: thank u haji 🥺

feral tamer: no problem cutie

doc mcstuffins: damn get a room 

feral: i'll shave all the hair on your head and sell it on ebay 

evanescence: ooooo fiesty

narcissist: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

beefy papi: hey hey hey no ones fighting no one

lucy: uhuh  
lucy: tell that to daishou

beefy papi: hey we just argued   
beefy papi: plus he slapped me in the face  
beefy papi: twice

crimson riot: did y'all have makeup sex

snek: yes   
snek: yes we did

crimson riot: NOW THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT  
crimson riot: yall better not fight anymore or im keeping daishou for myself smh

beefy papi: yes sir  
beefy papi: i promise i wont hurt daishou

snek: and i promise not to kill kuroo in the middle of his sleep  
snek: :)))

beefy papi: what

narcissist: SO QUESTION OF THR DAY  
narcissist: WHAT OTHER LANGUAGES DO YALL KNOW HOW TO SPEAK IN

kevin: yaku speaks russian right

minion: considering that my inlaws are from russia  
minion: i had to bust my ass just to learn a russian word besides cyka blyat  
minion: это не так много, если честно  
 _(translation: it's not much to be honest)_

crimson riot: :000

minion: Я просто знаю достаточно, чтобы ладить  
 _(translation: i just know enough to get along)_  
minion: :)

narcissist: aw thats so cool  
narcissist: i just speak portuguese and english besides japanese  
narcissist: though i havent mastered both just yet

feral: i speak french and a lil english and a lil bit of chinese   
feral: idk how to write the symbols tho

owl papi chulo: i wonder what chinese keyboards look like  
owl papi chulo: like they have so many symbols that there surely has to be a keyboard that has more than 27 stokes minus the numbers 

lucy: i think they have more than a hundred symbols unlike japanese which is only 60 i think  
lucy: nvm there are 8,105 symbols in simplified chinese 

nurse: now thats a class lesson

dru: does anyone here know some chinese 

snek: im part chinese but i barely know anything about it except for nihao

lucy: japanese has 46 basic characters and 71 with the diacritics   
lucy: close enough to 60

owl papi chulo: yes welcome to language class with akaamshi

gru: i married a genius

dru: i married a himbo

owl papi chulo: A GOOD LOOKING ONE THO

dru: yes yes ur good looking my dear bokkun

sailor moon: i told hinata he was a himbo and he ignored me for a whole day

evanescence: who r u

sailor moon: tsukishima   
sailor moon: shirabu added me here

hottie: I WAS ADDED HERE TOO

feral: oh sweet more people who complain abt their bfs  
feral: ive never felt so single in my whole life

feral tamer: same

narcissist: oh would ya look at that  
narcissist: u two are single  
narcissist: now date

feral: bruh  
feral: i dont think hajime is into guys

kevin: BITCH PLEASE  
kevin: THAT MAN IS FRUTIER THAN OIKAWA  
kevin: actually no not really   
kevin: BUT STILL

kyle: iwaizumi is like the gayest they can be  
kyle: he's just big and beefy

narcissist: like wakatoshi ;)))

feral tamer: what

kevin: in short  
kevin: iwaizumi is into twinks like u suga

feral: :000

**[ feral is now offline! ]**

kevin: i think we broke him

snek: he'll be fine  
snek: he's just processing himself

feral tamer: fuck

**[ feral tamer is now offline! ]**

**[ big daddy is now online! ]**

big daddy: can someone tell me why iwaizumi is storming out of the gym?

lucy: iwaizumi just got exposed

big daddy: oh. i see.  
big daddy: i was just concerned since he left in a hurry.

kevin: that means hes either gonna go cry in his room or go to suga's place

doc mcstuffins: probably cry in his room

**[ feral is now online! ]**

feral: KAJSKSSJS WHY IS IWAIZUMI OUTSIDE MY HOUSE  
feral: HES BANGING ON MY DOOR

owl papi chulo: and hes gonna be banging u next :D

dru: hey >:|

owl papi chulo: sorry baby 🥺

feral: KAJSKSJSHELPME

narcissist: no thats ur problem bye

**[ feral is now offline! ]**

big daddy: will he be okay?

narcissist: its koushi  
narcissist: he'll be fine

beefy papi: and thats iwaizumi banging on his door like some tax collector 

snek: i can hear the door banging from my place  
snek: im like 4 doors away from suga's 

narcissist: HOW COME WE NEVER SEE U WHEN WE GO THERE

snek: either im asleep or at work  
snek: usually im at work://  
snek: ooo suga let iwaizumi in :000

evanescence: BRUH GO INVESTIGATE

snek: FUCK THAT  
snek: I DONT NEED TO SEE SUGA DOING YOGA ON IWAIZUMI'S DICK

gru: WHY WOULD YOU PHRASE IT LIKE THAT

snek: ITS TRUE  
snek: DONT ACT LIKE AKAASHI DOESNT DO THE SAME TO U

lucy: bold of you to assume he's the top

crimson riot: oh  
crimson riot: OH

gru: no akaashi's the bottom  
gru: needy one also

lucy: i want a divorce 

gru: BABY NO

minion: actually   
minion: wheres tsukishima

sailor moon: ive been summoned

minion: have u and kuroo like  
minion: u know

sailor moon: no i dont

beefy papi: i feel like this is another dating scandal of mine

minion: did u and kuroo ever date or hook up

sailor moon: huh  
sailor moon: hell no  
sailor moon: he's too loud

hottie: hinata is like  
hottie: louder than kuroo

sailor moon: hes tolerable  
sailor moon: where did that rumor come from anyway

minion: yamamoto heard moaning in one of the vacant rooms during one of our training camps  
minion: plus we had a feeling of like  
minion: sexual tension between u two

sailor moon: ok first of all  
sailor moon: that was yamaguchi and kenma in the closet  
sailor moon: second  
sailor moon: i was already dating hinata around that time  
sailor moon: the reason why i kept glaring at kuroo was because the little shit wouldnt stop talking abt him

narcissist: people mistook ur hatred for lust

crimson riot: damn  
crimson riot: thats a whole enemies to lovers cheating au right there

evanescence: damnit satori  
evanescence: not everything is a fanfic

**[ pitbull is now offline! ]**

pitbull: but arent we in one rn

narcissist: huh

**[ pitbull is now offline! ]**

kevin: weird kid

minion: ok so u and kuroo never dated? nor have sex?

sailor moon: no and no

beefy papi: he's too tall for my taste anyway

evanescence: i swear almost every guy here is into twinks

crimson riot: daichi isnt  
crimson riot: hes straight✨✨

narcissist: plus aone has asahi  
narcissist: and asahi is barely a twink

ariel: what does that mean

narcissist: well  
narcissist: ur pretty beefy and thicc  
narcissist: like me 😗✨

kyle: wheres the ass though

narcissist: EXCUSE ME  
narcissist: I HAVE AN ASS NOW  
narcissist: LIKE ITS EVEN BIGGER THAN B4  
narcissist: WAKATOSHI CAN ATEST TO THAT

big daddy: tooru has definitely put in some more muscle on his butt. they feel nice to hold also.

narcissist: SEE

dru: i really cant believe yall are dating tbh  
dru: LIKE I REMEMBER WHEN OIKAWA WAS LIKE "i wanna burn his fucking dick off"  
dru: NOW HES LIKE "LET ME SUCK U OFF WAKATOSHI"

narcissist: SHUT UP 

lucy: he's not wrong  
lucy: you used to always complain about ushijima-san even if we weren't talking about him

narcissist: DONT SAY THAT  
narcissist: HONEY THEY WERE JUST JOKING

big daddy: it's alright. i am aware of your hatred towards me back then.  
big daddy: but we're together now, so i don't really care about it. 

crimson riot: AWWWEE  
crimson riot: OIKAWA YOU UGLY BITCH HOW COULD YOU HATE HIM BEFORE  
crimson riot: HE WAS SO NICE AND WAS OFFERING YOU A PLACE AT STZW

narcissist: ITS ALRIGHT  
narcissist: THAT WAS BEFORE  
narcissist: WERE DATING NOW :D  
narcissist: AND I AM NOT UGLY >:((

big daddy: tooru is very beautiful.

**[ prodigy is now online! ]**

prodigy: i've never felt so single in my life

dru: who r u

prodigy: it's kita

dru: OH KITA-SAN :D  
dru: HOWS BUSINESS GOING FOR YA

prodigy: its doing well actually   
prodigy: there isn't much signal here so i haven't been online for a while  
prodigy: what did i miss?

lucy: alot  
lucy: but we can catch up

prodigy: oh thats fine with me  
prodigy: around osamu's place right?

lucy: yup  
lucy: just tell me when ur close

prodigy: of course

evanescence: u guys are meeting up?

lucy: yeah  
lucy: hes visiting tokyo for the meantime

dru: HOW COME I WASNT INVITED

lucy: because youre in kyoto with bokuto-san

owl papi chulo: tsumtsum :(((

dru: IM SORRY KOUTAROU I DIDNT MEAN IT

prodigy: oh god


	12. friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bokuto's tiddies, oikawa has a baby now, and dora is a dumb bitch.

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

9:52 AM • status: online

lucy: i remember one time at a party someone was starting a fight and i didnt have my glasses on me so i decided to take a closer look to see better  
lucy: i gave my drink to bokuto san and when i came back i found it stuck right inbetween his tiddies

feral: what a great way to start the morning

lucy: i havent slept in like 2 days  
lucy: i wanna quit

feral: GO SLEEP  
feral: better yet   
feral: QUIT UR JOB AND WORK WITH ME AT THE SCHOOL

gru: or he can work with his beloved husband

lucy: i like children   
lucy: i'll think abt it koushi

feral: :DD

narcissist: u seem happy  
narcissist: total opposite from the last time i saw u

feral: bitch please  
feral: im perfectly fine

minion: its been like days since u got exposed

feral: and its been months since ive had a boyfriend

owl papi chulo: that doesnt make sense

feral: not alot makes sense to u koutarou

owl papi chulo: damn hes not wrong

snek: him and iwaizumi are official  
snek: like official official   
snek: cuddling, 2 am visits  
snek: gross shit like that

beefy papi: we're literally dating  
beefy papi: we do all of that

snek: shut up chicken

minion: hey did yk that daishou and kuroo used to be childhood friends   
minion: most people know kuroo and kenma are  
minion: but that dumbass had another friend

beefy papi: whered u learn that from

minion: kenma duh

crimson riot: fr?  
crimson riot: yall used to childhood friends?  
crimson riot: i never knew this

thighs: i think no one did lmao

feral: me either  
feral: and ive been friends with suguru since forever  
feral: more like sixth grade

thighs: h uh  
thighs: WEVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE HIGHSCHOOL   
thighs: i had no idea u and daishou were friends before

feral: i didnt think it was really relevant   
feral: plus we barely played with them lmao  
feral: it was mainly kuroo who pulled out his hair whenever he played with nohebi

beefy papi: suguru kicked me in the shin once

snek: and i do it again bap bap

gru: why did he do that

beefy papi: i messed with his hair  
beefy papi: it was soft though

snek: well duh  
snek: im not like you who slathers on a shit ton of hair gel

owl papi chulo: >:((

snek: no offense bokuto

beefy papi: my normal hair is so plain though

crimson riot: UR HAIR IS NORMAL?  
crimson riot: LIKE U DONT HAVE A PERMANENT BED HEAD?

beefy papi: permanent bed head?  
beefy papi: does everyone think that

a snacc: apparently yes  
a snacc: also who changed my name  
a snacc: feral tamer was fine by itself

feral: i did 😗

a snacc: oh  
a snacc: well its fine i guess  
a snacc: i dont mind too much abt it

evanescence: you gotta love a whipped man

big daddy: Tooru, open the door I have a surprise for you.

crimson riot: oh hes typing with upper case again

lucy: he got a new phone  
lucy: tooru broke his old one

narcissist: i did not mean to  
narcissist: it just flew out of my hands smh

beefy papi: talk abt sweaty palms

narcissist: AAAAAAASA  
narcissist: GUYSGUYSGUYS  
narcissist: LOOKIE  
narcissist: _[ a picture of a shiba inu puppy on oikawa's lap ]_

crimson riot: IS THAT A DOG  
crimson riot: OMG ITS A DOG

evanescence: wakatoshi got that for u?

narcissist: yes he did omg lajsksjksjs  
narcissist: ITS SO CUTE AND TINY AND CHUBBY

feral: whats their name???

narcissist: I HAVENT DECIDED ONE YET  
narcissist: but were calling her fluffy butt for now  
narcissist: bc her butt is vv fluffy

snek: damn wakatoshi the best boyfriend ever  
snek: unlike someone

beefy papi: do u want a pet

snek: i want a boa constrictor to tighten around ur neck and choke you

beefy papi: suguru 😐

snek: YES I WANT A CAT  
snek: A TINY BABY CAT  
snek: IM GONNA NAME IT JINGLE

feral: brilliant

evanescence: sadly me and satori cant have dogs  
evanescence: more or less satori   
evanescence: he's allergic to them

crimson riot: issok  
crimson riot: i got birbs anyway :D

evanescence: oh yea we have a parrot here named unicorn

doc mcstuffins: you all are so good with names for ur pets

narcissist: yeah like vuitton is a good name for a fucking cat

doc mcstuffins: my cat is literally better than all of ur pets

feral: everyone shut up before my snake eats all of ur pets  
feral: and yes i own a snake  
feral: well my litter sister does  
feral: i just watch over her sometimes

a snacc: whats the name of the snake

beefy papi: daishou

snek: kiss my ass

feral: her name is rosa  
feral: bc she likes roses, funny enough

narcissist: thats cute  
narcissist: can rosa eat 5'9 med students who have fucked up strawberry blonde bangs

doc mcstuffins: ill cut open ur bangs you little shit

lucy: is this about wakatoshi again  
lucy: you two are hopeless

doc mcstuffins: i just don't understand why wakatoshi would date that trash head after everything hes said and done

a snacc: no no hes got a point

big daddy: I like Tooru because he's incredibly talented and kind.

pitbull: not sure abt that last one tho

big daddy: Plus, It doesn't matter if he used to hate me, It's the present now. What matters in that We're both happy and satisfied.

narcissist: dammit that made me cry  
narcissist: COME HERE YOU HUNK AND MAKE OUT WITH ME

**[ big daddy and narcissist are now offline! ]**

lucy: ridiculous   
lucy: anyway im gonna go hibernate bye

——

**THE NEW GEN**

10:47 AM • status: online

chanel: ok so  
chanel: can i just say that tsukki looked so weird with his hair short  
chanel: like ive gotten so used to him having long hair now  
chanel: seeing him with short hair makes me have a seizure

maple leaf: ur not wrong  
maple leaf: long hair looks better on him  
maple leaf: plus he's meaty now

sailor moon: why r u talking about my hair

haru: ur ugly

slendy: ooo roasted

fila: hey tsukki can u help me and kyotani with our blocks tmmrw (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

sailor moon: yea sure no prob

maple leaf: HOW COME UR SO NICE TO THEM  
maple leaf: BUT TO ME UR SO "i cant see hinata did he shrink more?" KAJSKSJS ( ≧Д≦)

dog: yikes  
dog: THIS IS WHY IM SINGLE :D

neko: girl please   
neko: you cry every night 

dog: hE y   
dog: dont do me dirty like that

sailor moon: well im sorry my beloved canada leaf  
sailor moon: but kogane doesnt exactly pour water on my lap because im too busy to give him attention 

fila: i almost did tho ( -3-)

maple leaf: kogane dont talk to kei hes a bad man  
maple leaf: he'll eat all the marshmallows and then leave the plastic in thr fridge

garlic: bruh  
garlic: arent u like some kind of clean freak  
garlic: why leave an empty plastic bag in the fridge

bleh: because its a joke kindaichi smh

garlic: how am i supposed to know that kunimi  
garlic: all i know is how to garden  
garlic: speaking of garden  
garlic: hey kags the new tulips are coming tmmrw

haru: ok thanks

dora: when did yall become best friends

haru: like  
haru: a month ago  
haru: i gave him one of my turtle's babies

garlic: best decision u ever made tobio

dora: damn  
dora: but wouldnt the turtle outlive you

garlic: damnit tsutomu  
garlic: im only 25 stop making me feel so fucking old

dora: its the truth ://  
dora: i can see thr future

bleh: and you clearly cant see a park when its right fuckin behind ya dora

maple leaf: talk about dora explorer  
maple leaf: more like dora the dumb bitch smh

pitbull: hes not wrong  
pitbull: dora is a dumb bitch

dora: why are you guys like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy my filler fic bc i might be writing some rare-ship smut at always :D


	13. news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone has highschool scars, suga's pregnant and bokuto has a tiktok.

to catch up, here are each characters gc names:

third years:

sugawara - feral  
iwaizumi - a snacc  
oikawa - narcissist  
ushijima - big daddy  
tendou - crimson riot  
semi - evanescence  
kuroo - chicken little (new)  
daishou - snek  
daichi - thighs  
asahi - rapunzel  
bokuto - ass  
kita - prodigy  
aran - resident dad  
konoha - mable  
washio - dipper  
matsukawa - kevin  
hanamaki - kyle  
moniwa - great value akaashi  
shimizu - beyonce  
yaku - minion  
kai - resident uncle  
reon - reon (hes pretty simple)

second years:

terushima - hottie  
ennoshita - ennoshita (yes he doesnt have a nn)  
kinoshita - great value yaku  
narita - doctor who  
futakuchi - spare cooch  
aone - wall maria  
tanaka - mr clean  
noya - mcqueen  
kenma - paypal  
osamu - gru  
atsumu - dru  
akaashi - lucy  
shirabu - doc mcstuffins  
kyotani - pitbull (hes in the first years bc yams messed up)  
yahaba - cloudy  
sakusa - germ  
suna - foxy  
fukunaga - bee  
yamamoto - woof

first years:

hinata - maple leaf  
kageyama - haru  
tsukishima - sailor moon  
yamaguchi - chanel  
yachi - women pretty  
lev - slendy  
kunimi - bleh  
kindaichi - garlic  
inuoka - dog  
shibayama - neko

—

**WE'RE ALL OLD AND HAVE JOBS**

9:58 AM • status: online

feral: hi im pregnant

chicken little: what  
chicken little: also god damnit daishou  
chicken little: these chicken puns are insane

crimson riot: UR PREGNANT? REALLY? HOW  
crimson riot: AS FAR AS I KNOW US MEN CANNOT

feral: i swear  
feral: i have a baby in me  
feral: like my belly is growing alot

narcissist: WELL CONGRATS THEN OMG  
narcissist: i gotta have a talk with iwa-chan :>

lucy: congratulations koushi  
lucy: i know how much you wanted kids  
lucy: maybe i should get pregnant 

narcissist: well i already have a baby so im good  
narcissist: unless 👀

big daddy: Do you want to have kids, Tooru? 

narcissist: im just saying  
narcissist: maybe i do  
narcissist: but we have fluffy butt so maybe not right now

big daddy: I'll wait until you're ready.

snek: im not having kids anytime soon  
snek: i dont like them

chicken little: i like kids  
chicken little: but my boyfriend doesnt like them  
chicken little: but thats ok

a snacc: what did i miss  
a snacc: imma backread everyone shut up  
a snacc: WAIT

feral: (◍•﹏•)

a snacc: KOUSHI UR PREGNANT?

feral: maybe

a snacc: OH HELL YEA  
a snacc: IM GONNA BE A DADDY

narcissist: i didn't expect that  
narcissist: thought u would go ballistic 

a snacc: and i thought u were better than to name ur cute dog 'fluffy butt' smh

narcissist: >:((

evanescence: HEY WHERE DO U FIND THAT SWEATER THAT HAS THAT BOOB WINDOW IN THE FRONT  
evanescence: ACTUALLY EVEN BETTER  
evanescence: WHERE IS THAT SWEATER THATS ONLY LIKE  
evanescence: ONLY THE TOP OF A SWEATER

narcissist: u mean the one sakusa has?

evanescence: YES I MEAN THE ONE SAKUSA HAS

narcissist: bruh just borrow from him

evanescence: he wont even read my message  
evanescence: I KMOW YOURE ONLINE YOU SHITHEAD

germ: what

evanescence: lemme borrow that pointless sweater

germ: sure but i think bokuto has it

narcissist: of course he does

snek: out of topic but i just found like my scrapbook from fucking highschool  
snek: I FORGOT MY TEETH WERE CROOKED AT ONE POINT

feral: omg kween same  
feral: i wore braces throughout college and theyre pretty now :D

crimson riot: :00  
crimson riot: anyone else have like scars or jus things like stretch marks or scars and stuff

ass: i have sum  
ass: most are around my hips  
ass: and i have a lil around my arms 

dru: and theyre perfect 😗

narcissist: i have freckles on my back  
narcissist: like alot

sailor moon: i see were talking abt things we had as teens  
sailor moon: firstly i had and still have shit eye sight

pitbull: why not just lasik ur eyes

maple leaf: THATS WHAT I SAID

sailor moon: i dont wanna  
sailor moon: the lasers are fucking weird  
sailor moon: thanks to pitbull showing me that one weird vid of that girl getting lasik smh

pitbull: i didnt know u would get freaked out

cloudy: you dont know much actually

kevin: what he said

paypal: i have acne scars  
paypal: kuroo has them also

chicken little: >:((  
chicken little: kenma why 

snek: its true  
snek: its not much but theyre like pretty cute

chicken little: u think so?

snek: yes my dear  
snek: ur freckles are super pretty and look great on you

haru: i have acne scars too  
haru: but like around my jaw://

chanel: eh? really?  
chanel: you dont look like the type to care abt ur acne

haru: i had a bad habit of picking on my pimples  
haru: my sister didn't like it one bit

maple leaf: well no wonder u always had little tiny red scars around ur jaw

crimson riot: ANYONE ELSE??

hottie: i used to have real bad acne  
hottie: but like this girl i used to date gave me this stuff for ur skin  
hottie: and then boom im clean and smooth as a baby :D

ennoshita: is that why you smelt like flowers when you came to my house that one night?

hottie: yes why

ennoshita: nothing  
ennoshita: i just got surprised bc usually you smell like sweat or ur french perfume smh

hottie: i smell like that?

narcissist: as ur friend of like  
narcissist: since highschool  
narcissist: yes and you still smell the same

hottie: damn  
hottie: should i stick to thr flower smell

ennoshita: yes  
ennoshita: yes u should

ass: HEY HEY HEY LOOKW HAT I FOUND  
ass: _[ a picture of bokuto's scrapbook filled with his pics from high school; the cover says 'if u wanna cry' ]_

lucy: is that the scrapbook you made the night before graduation?

ass: YES IT IS  
ass: LOOK IT HAS SUGA IN IT  
ass: AND AKAAMSHI :D

doc mcstuffins: tf is suga doing in a fukurodani scrapbook

dru: they hung out alot  
dru: like back in high school when they were third years

doc mcstuffins: wait weren't akaashi and bokuto together at one point?

lucy: yes we were  
lucy: it wasnt a long relationship honestly 

ass: yea we barely had time for each other bc i was just starting out in the big leagues  
ass: and akaashi was busy with his studies

lucy: yea we decided to just end up as friends since we both weren't fit for relationships at the time 

chicken little: i forgot how busy u used to be during college  
chicken little: this mf was literally about to look like tanaka bc he was so stressed 

feral: omg was that when he was like "im gonna shave all my hair off i hate children"  
feral: i knew akaashi was stressed bc he would never hate kids

doc mcstuffins: can't relate 

evanescence: me either 

snek: oh speaking of kids  
snek: hey kuroo yo lil sis is gonna drop by in a few days

chicken little: u mean momo?

snek: yeah the rich girl

narcissist: oooo i love her  
narcissist: she gave me so much nice things when we last met

thighs: hey did yk that kuroo's whole blood line is rich  
thighs: same with almost everyone from srtw, aoba johsai, nohebi and nekoma ✨

rapunzel: actually everyone except us is loaded  
rapunzel: well maybe except for tobio and kiyoko

gru: damn kuroo and daishou really said ✨expensive couple✨

snek: please  
snek: kuroo acts like he barely has a cent in his bank account im about to break his back

feral: OH  
feral: shou u top?

snek: im a true top but this bottom is to stubborn smh

chicken little: ur literally like "can u fuck me again pls i'll keep bottoming for u"  
chicken little: bottom

snek: silence bottom 🤡

crimson riot: HEY BOKUTO  
crimson riot: I FOUND UR TIKTOK  
crimson riot: WHY R U SHAKING UR ASS ON THAT APP  
crimson riot: also like ur ass is hella giggly

ass: oh sweet thanks  
ass: OH WAIT NO  
ass: DTOP  
ass: PPSLS DTOEP  
ass: DOTNT SEMD

crimson riot: ok damn i wont

dru: did u watch the one where hes lipsyncing and then he turns around and then boom jiggly cake

crimson riot: im sending this to suga by

ass: WAIT WHY SUGA

crimson riot: hes got a thing for jiggly ass  
crimson riot: dont ask

thighs: from experience  
thighs: always cover ur butt  
thighs: someone might end up clawing ur from behind

narcissist: why cant koushi just grip his own ass? or like daishou's?  
narcissist: they both have juicy butts

snek: why are yall talking abt my behind

narcissist: whats the circumference of ur ass

snek: 39 inches why

narcissist: WHERES SUGA

feral: im also 39 

evanescence: wtf are yall eating to grow some ass

feral: just work out  
feral: i do squats whenever i can 😗

a snacc: means u got alot of time around ur hands

feral: ;)))

narcissist: damn the tension hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is literally a filler omg im so sorry for the late updates since i haven't been feeling well lately ://
> 
> hope u guys enjoyed reading!

**Author's Note:**

> come mess with me on twt @kenssihwa


End file.
